My Blog

It’s my process

// November 24th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I’m starting this without a subject or theme. Today is a difficult day to organize my thoughts. There is the pain from knowing you hurt someone but in turn there is the knowledge that you are trying to stop hurting yourself. It’s difficult to express to someone that they can’t fix you and in turn that the trying only ads other shades of gray to a darkening landscape. How do you move ahead when you have no idea where you are going? To control my own destiny I have to accept that the majority of it is outside of my control, that someone will in turn make a decision regarding my immediate future and the consequences will be mine to live with. Do I want to share those consequences with someone, I don’t think so and that is why I’ve jumped off the road and headed back to a familiar path. This path is always more enticing to me, the path of peace in my solitary chaos. I don’t want to be responsible for someone else. I don’t want to know that I hurt someone. I don’t want to be responsible for someone  else’s unhappiness. I don’t want to let someone rock my world only to destroy it again. I don’t want my happiness to be based on someone else and most of all I refuse to go through the motions with someone else’s family when I can’t even have my own at that level. I know it isin’t fair but it is what it is, it is it my process.

A kid is a kid is a kid

// November 9th, 2011 // No Comments » // My thoughs

It’s ironic how you can almost take a photo copy of your parents, their struggles in an area and the errors they made and with the greatest of resistance we are still doomed to repeat them. I find I try and choose the right battles but when there are forces being applied to both sides and a manipulator in the middle only looking out for their own interests there could be no clear winners. I am watching a 13 year old walk the same line I walked, and being provided the same compass that directed me. I’ve put different things in place to try and avoid the pitfalls I stumbled across in my youth, but the damn pointer just keeps spinning out of control. I can tell you I know excactly where this is going to lead. It’s unfortunate because you see the road ahead, the reasons they will make the choices they will make and yet there is nothing you can do. You can only leave a candle burning hoping it will guide them back and realize that in fact, a kid, is a kid, is a kid!

When people show you who they are

// November 8th, 2011 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

“When people show you who they are, believe them.” – Maya Angelou

Someone pointed this quote out to me a short while ago and in looking at the illusion that was my Serendipity experience I find I can put it all into context with that simple statement. When we look at that statement it is to not believe what they say but to believe what they do. My father used to always say 99% of the work is  showing up. That is tangible, you are showing something. My Serendipity was based on the great world I built for myself. Lies I dreamt up to convince myself that a moment was in fact real. What was real was that along the way someone was showing me who they were. They were the person that didn’t want to hold my hand in public. I would later get angry that they would never hold my hand. Kissing was great early on but quickly dissapeared and it would be gone for what some might call an eternity. I used to get angry and accuse the person of changing, the fact is they showed me early on they were incapable of “real emotion”. The greatest sign was the control! A control one exacted upon me in building the lie. The pity me complex, which now haunts me. Was any of it real?  I stayed because I felt so bad for someone, so bad for her adolesence.  I could fix them and make this great again. Was it real?  Was it ever great? Lying would become a such an issue, hearing someone lie to everyone for no reason. I always made excuses to myself. They would never lie to me, or about me.

Oh how when you look under the water you notice the true magnificence of the iceberg. When people show you who they are, believe them. A liar, is a liar, is a liar. My muse was nothing more than a ruse. I never dared draw the curtain and really look at my Wizard of Oz. I loved the mistyque and all that it entailed and just didn’t want to face the reality. The only person that really changed was me. I sacraficed everything I believed in to create something that never was and never would be. In doing that I became all the things I said I would never become. There is no place like home but unfortunatly three clicks just aren’t going to do it. I have to say, the true magnificence comes when the curtain is drawn and you see everything for what it was.

My, me, this

// November 7th, 2011 // No Comments » // My thoughs

My writings haven’t been what they once were. With a pending divorce and the scrutiny of it, the though that my writings might be used against me silenced me for a spell. That was then and this is me. I still have my other blog running under www.xcapelounge.com and will continue to maintain it. It will still be my site for my running, working out and activities. This one will focus more on me, this will be my outlet. This is where I will discuss my thoughts as they would relate to life, my divorce, relationships, my children. The day to day struggles of dealing with people you love, and those you care for, those that you care to not care so much about and the one you are bound to but wish you could cut out like the cancer they are. You know who you are (insert smiley face here). I found the smiley face to be a profound symbol the other day. It provided me with a great sense of joy. Writing what would normally  be a frustrating document (cheque) became very pleasant when all I had to do was put in the memo section a smiley face. A micro change with a major return on investment, the warmth and humorous edge it bestowed upon me were worth the money. With all that said, I say welcome to those of you who wish to embark on my journey. Bienvenue and stay tuned.